Reversed Life: Chapter 35 - Then What Am I Even Still Alive For?
Chapter 35: Then What Am I Even Still Alive For?
Thanks to the demands of their busy work, Father Mu and Mother Mu’s health had visibly improved lately. When they chased after their son, the couple moved with astonishing speed.
Father Mu was especially fierce. Dragging along the leg that normally made even walking difficult for him, he swung a long bamboo broom with enough force to make it whistle through the air.
His scalp still hurt from being yanked around by his wife while she scolded him earlier, and he was full of righteous indignation—he’d almost taken the blame for something he hadn’t done!
On the very first day the new owners moved into this small but cozy home, the entire Mu family successfully stayed up all night.
Not just because of the cigarette incident, either. By the latter half of the chaos, Mother Mu had already started laughing while chasing after her son.
They’d had too little time to organize properly, so everyone had only managed to focus on their own rooms. The door to Father and Mother Mu’s bedroom was left open, and in the moonlight pouring through the floor-to-ceiling windows, Mother Mu could clearly see the mess scattered across the living room.
Opened and unopened cardboard boxes were piled together haphazardly. Beyond them was the apartment’s carefully designed décor. “Interior design” was a phrase she’d heard before, but it had always felt distant from her life. To her, a house had simply been a house—as long as it met basic living needs, that was enough. But now, for the first time, she was experiencing firsthand how refined surroundings could change a person’s mood. In a home this beautiful, she couldn’t even stay angry for very long after discovering her son had secretly hidden cigarettes.
The curtains were grand and heavy. The lighting was soft and warm. The floors were smooth and level. The expensive bedding they’d splurged on for the first time ever to celebrate moving into their new home was so warm it made her drowsy, and the mattress had just the right amount of give. After working so hard these past few days, Mother Mu realized her back didn’t ache at all lying on it.
Even taking a bath before bed had been a brand-new experience. Sinking into a bathtub filled with hot water had relaxed her exhausted muscles so thoroughly that even now her whole body still felt loose and warm.
At nearly fifty years old, Mother Mu was shocked to discover she could still feel the kind of excitement a young girl might feel.
And the reason for that excitement was so simple: just a spacious, dry bathroom with a bathtub she’d previously only ever seen in TV dramas.
Mother Mu couldn’t help laughing softly. She shifted slightly with her back facing her husband, and a moment later, a thin but warm hand reached over and slowly clasped hers.
Their fingers intertwined.
Father Mu felt a little helpless. Ever since they’d started their business, he’d felt that his wife’s attitude toward him had become less gentle than before. At least in the past, she never would have grabbed his hair and shaken him around while cursing at him over the suspicion that he smoked.
Back then, she’d always been cautious and yielding, like a mother carefully protecting her fragile son.
But now that “mother” seemed to have unknowingly turned back into the somewhat naïve, somewhat willful young woman she’d been when they first got married.
Strangely enough, even after not seeing this side of her for over a decade, Father Mu didn’t find it unfamiliar at all.
Like now. He simply turned and looked at the little girl who still refused to sleep so late at night with gentle, helpless affection. “What are you trying to do? It’s so late already, why aren’t you asleep?”
“You’re not asleep either,” Mother Mu shot back while holding his hand, unable to suppress the smile on her face. Then she slowly buried her head against her husband’s slightly hunched back, bent from years of disability.
She smelled the pleasant scent of detergent from his new pajamas, and her forehead rested against the sharp outline of his overly thin spine.
Her eyes reddened slightly. “Jiashu?”
Hearing his name, Father Mu answered softly.
Then he heard his wife sigh quietly behind him, her voice thick with emotion—
“This is wonderful.”
**
In another room with the door tightly shut—
Mu Song lay in bed with one arm raised high, staring wide-eyed at the business card held between his fingers in the moonlight. Slowly, his gaze moved from the name on the card to the other side of the bed.
On the untouched half of the double bed lay a wooden acoustic guitar.
Mu Song scooted closer to it and fell asleep beside it.
**
As for the “world’s best sister,” Qiao Nan, after bewilderedly receiving a series of unexpectedly considerate gestures like “voluntarily doing laundry,” “voluntarily picking food into her bowl,” and “occasionally initiating conversation,” he effortlessly arrived at an explanation according to his own logic—
His personal charisma was simply too overwhelming.
The narcissistic school tyrant of Yingcheng felt rather smug about it. So what if the kid dyed his hair white and liked stealing girlfriends? Wasn’t this rebellious little punk still utterly conquered by his domineering aura?
As a result, he’d been in a great mood lately. Even during basketball team practice, he stopped yelling so much at the increasingly noisy cheerleaders. That lasted until one morning, when a sudden piece of bad news hit him like a pile of dog shit falling from the sky.
After finishing a lesson, the homeroom teacher of Class 1, Year 2 at Yingcheng announced with a smile:
“The school has decided that next month, on the fifth, the second years will have a full-grade assessment exam. This will be the first unified test of the semester. Afterward, the school will hold a parent-teacher meeting to discuss everyone’s grades and future academic plans with your families. You’re already in your second year of high school—college entrance exams are getting closer and closer. So everyone should study hard and aim for good results.”
After saying that, before leaving, the teacher cast one especially warm and hopeful glance toward last semester’s top-ranked student.
The moment she left, the entire class erupted into noise. Most Yingcheng students came from wealthy families. They didn’t view studying as the sole purpose of life, but that didn’t mean academics weren’t important to them. Most of their parents still had expectations for their grades.
No student liked exams—not even rich young masters and young ladies. Led by Gao Yan and Lin Long, the students gathered together and complained bitterly. Yet as they spoke, they couldn’t help glancing enviously toward a certain seat in the classroom—
There sat the genius who had been specially admitted to Yingcheng after placing third in the entire province on the high school entrance exams, and who had received a full scholarship last year.
Beautiful, talented in both academics and sports, effortlessly cool, and absurdly charismatic. This new campus belle of Yingcheng, whose popularity had quickly surpassed Lu Xiaoxuan’s, was so impressive that it was hard even to feel jealous of her.
The girls chatted excitedly with flushed faces—
“Mu Xiangxiang’s definitely getting first place again this time, right?”
“But she’s been busy helping Jiang Hai and the others with training lately! I barely see her studying anymore. Will she really be okay?”
“Hey! Watch your mouth! Who exactly are you doubting here?!”
“QAQ Sorry. If it’s Mu Xiangxiang, she can definitely do anything—”
Qiao Nan leaned back in his chair amid the noisy chatter behind him, lost in thought. Then he slowly turned his head and looked toward the crowd.
The girl’s calm, delicate face was framed by a pair of deep, empty eyes that seemed almost inorganic. Instantly, the classroom burst into another wave of excitement as everyone whipped out their phones to secretly take pictures.
In the festive atmosphere, the handsome campus belle at the center of attention remained calm and unmoving, steady as a mountain.
But inside his completely blank mind, alarm bells were blaring at maximum volume, while one blood-soaked thought surfaced—
Shit. My cover’s about to be blown.
**
Qiao Nan was guilty as hell. Honestly speaking, during all this time inhabiting Mu Xiangxiang’s body, aside from being more irritable, more violent, more impatient, and prone to casually cursing people out or beating them up whenever he got annoyed, he’d actually behaved pretty properly.
For example, he hadn’t skipped a single class, and he’d worked very hard not to fall asleep during lessons.
Yingcheng valued well-rounded education. Homework was usually light, and teachers rarely called students up to answer questions in class. Even when they did, they almost never picked the taciturn, shy top student they remembered.
So despite all this time passing, Yingcheng’s teachers had noticed almost nothing unusual about their top-ranked student… aside from her suddenly shorter hair.
Qiao Nan had even thought his acting was going pretty well. Then this bolt from the blue hit him square in the face.
Hand on heart, he really had been following through on his agreement with Mu Xiangxiang to attend class and pay attention. He was smart, and he didn’t find the material particularly difficult. But he’d wasted far too much time at No. 12 High School before this, and lately he’d also been exhausted dealing with all the drama involving Yingcheng’s basketball team and Yan Zhiyang from No. 12. No matter how capable he was, there was no way he could reach Mu Xiangxiang’s level.
Just how good were Mu Xiangxiang’s grades? Last semester’s final exams at Yingcheng had used the school’s own notoriously brutal exam papers. Chinese, math, English, and the sciences totaled 750 points. She scored 740.
A full-grade assessment exam. Followed by a parent-teacher meeting. And they were even going to discuss academic performance with the parents afterward!
At that moment, Qiao Nan felt like he was mentally collapsing. All he could do was ask Mu Xiangxiang out, then sit there until his face turned green from holding everything in.
The two of them sat across from each other in a café. Watching Mu Xiangxiang eagerly flip through the class notes he’d handed her, Qiao Nan became even less certain how to begin.
It wasn’t that he was afraid Mu Xiangxiang would get angry. Honestly, with Qiao Nan’s fearless personality, he could slam tables and kick chairs even in front of his own stern older brother and father. Who could he possibly be afraid of? And Mu Xiangxiang was so easygoing she practically had no edges at all. She hadn’t even protested when he suggested smoking while using her body. Qiao Nan truly didn’t think she was someone who could intimidate him.
And yet, for some reason, he simply lacked confidence. He didn’t want to bring this nearly unsolvable problem before her.
Mu Xiangxiang quickly noticed his agitation. She put down the notebook and looked at him with concern. “What’s wrong? You specifically asked me out—is there something you want to tell me?”
She wore the face Qiao Nan had once seen in the mirror every single day, familiar beyond measure. But at this moment, the pair of amber eyes filled with clarity felt strangely unfamiliar.
Qiao Nan suddenly felt as though a girl with long black hair had appeared in his vision. The girl had a thin face framed by oversized black-rimmed glasses, a sharp little chin, and behind the lenses were those same straightforward, pure eyes.
Qiao Nan: “……”
He fell even more silent.
Fortunately, just as he had no idea how to speak, another group of unlucky idiots came crashing in on their own.
After answering a phone call, the calm warmth Mu Xiangxiang usually showed around him subtly shifted.
She gave up pressing him further, stood up, and began packing her things unhurriedly. “It’s Yan Zhiyang and the others,” she said. “Want to come along?”
Qiao Nan stared blankly at her face. In his mind, he still saw that girl with long black hair. Her eyes remained just as direct and clear, and even her expression hadn’t changed much.
Yet for the first time in his life, Qiao Nan—who had always feared nothing—felt his courage tremble for no reason at all.
There was something… kind of terrifying about Mu Xiangxiang like this.
****
The moment they followed the address, passed through the filthy corridor, and stepped into the room, Qiao Nan instinctively held his breath.
As a man—and a man with basically no awareness of household chores—Qiao Nan had already been utterly crushed countless times by Mu family’s younger son, who seemed to suffer from both cleanliness and organization obsessions. Compared to Mu Song, Qiao Nan had recently started wondering whether he might actually be a little too sloppy.But the scene before him instantly swept away all such worries.
Four bunk beds stood in rows with blankets left unmade. Jackets hung carelessly everywhere. The rough cement floor was mottled with all kinds of stains. The entire place was a disaster.
But the biggest problem with the room wasn’t merely the mess.
These young people, tasting independence for the first time, had clearly done their best to manage their lives. Yet the results were still bleak.
The broken windows, much like the Mu family’s old house, had only scraps of cloth hanging as curtains. Several ropes stretched crookedly across the room, with T-shirts, pants, underwear, and socks hanging from them like flags. It had been raining in City A lately, so at least they’d managed to think of this solution. An overturned cardboard box on the floor served as a dining table. Several washed stainless steel bowls sat uncovered on top of it, filled with leftovers. Above those open bowls hung a pair of drying jeans. But aside from near the doorway, there truly wasn’t anywhere else in the room to hang laundry. An electric kettle, rice cooker, induction stove, and iron pot were piled carelessly in the corner. Nearby, on a plastic bag spread on the floor, sat half a chopped cabbage. Barely ten centimeters away was where the young men kept their shoes.
Every inch of the room radiated a sense of hopelessness and nonexistent quality of life.
Qiao Nan felt angry. He couldn’t accept that the boys who usually followed him around were living in conditions like this. And the owners of the room clearly weren’t enjoying it either.
Mu Xiangxiang calmly swept her gaze across the silent faces before pausing briefly on Guo Zhi, who lay sickly on the bed. “What happened?”
Led by Yan Zhiyang, the six young men all stood there silently, staring at the floor.
After a long moment, Yan Zhiyang licked his lips, suddenly squatted down, and burst into tears. “Brother Nan—we’re screwed—what are we supposed to do?!”
Every day since leaving home had been miserable for these inexperienced boys.
On the very first day, they’d vaguely realized that supporting themselves wasn’t nearly as wonderful as they’d imagined. No money, humiliation, exhausting work, bad food… all kinds of negativity filled their little world. But this was the “freedom” they’d fought so hard for.
They’d already talked big. Admitting defeat and going home would be humiliating. So even after the intense discomfort set in, the young men could only keep encouraging one another, telling themselves it was all temporary and accidental. After all, who got unlucky enough to encounter lunatics while handing out flyers every single day?
Reality soon told them the true hardships hadn’t even begun.
Just a few days ago, the mall where they worked had finished its annual sales event. Along with the event, all the temporary positions—costumed performers, flyer distributors, and similar jobs—were canceled. In other words, all seven of them lost their jobs simultaneously.
They’d earned a little money these past few days, but daily food and expenses had already drained most of it away. The moment they lost their income source, panic engulfed them.
But temporary jobs were never stable to begin with. The mall had no obligation to guarantee their livelihoods. Watching the money in their hands dwindle day by day, Yan Zhiyang and the others had no choice but to start desperately searching for work themselves.
That was the beginning of the disaster.
The mall job had been arranged with a single phone call from Principal Sun, which gave them the illusion that finding work wasn’t very difficult.
But once they actually tried on their own, all the invisible yet impossible barriers came rushing out before them.
Age, personality, gender, work experience… They laid themselves out like potatoes and radishes for others to inspect and choose from. Yet even then, few people wanted them. The genuinely decent jobs all had competitors fighting over them.
Again and again they left contact information behind, waiting hopefully for replies that never came. After two days of watching their savings disappear until they literally couldn’t scrape together another coin, Yan Zhiyang swallowed his pride and contacted the employer of the job he’d wanted most, hoping maybe they’d simply forgotten about his application.
Instead, he was told that the position had already been filled by someone more suitable—someone with better educational qualifications and work experience.
That was probably the very first moment Yan Zhiyang truly understood the meaning of the word “education.”
After several days, only one among them had lucked into a job working as an internet café attendant, even managing to advance a few hundred yuan so his unemployed brothers wouldn’t starve.
But just when things were already unimaginably difficult, Guo Zhi fell sick.
He’d always been in poor health, and he still had a broken leg. City A had been raining nonstop these past few days. Maybe he got soaked while job hunting outside. Maybe he ate something unsanitary they cooked themselves. Either way, he suddenly started vomiting and having severe diarrhea. It got so bad that even drinking plain water came right back up like a fountain.
Everyone was terrified by the sight of him lying weakly in bed. Yan Zhiyang immediately wanted to take him to the hospital. But at that moment, the ugliest problem of all finally stood directly in front of them.
They had no money.
They hadn’t earned anything in days. Seven young men ate enormous amounts, and even after reducing themselves to the simplest meals possible, they were already completely drained. There wasn’t a single cent left for medical treatment.
At that moment, Yan Zhiyang felt as though he’d suddenly realized he was trapped inside a nightmare.
Everything that had been hidden beneath the dazzling facade was laid bare, revealing the battered reality underneath— A damp mattress that never truly dried. Clothes with no replacements, forced to hang indoors through rainy weather. Leftovers they couldn't bear to throw away after a single meal.
With no stools, they squatted to eat. With no proper stove, they cooked on the floor. To save every possible cent, they started paying attention to which ingredients were cheapest at the market, and once they brought them home, those groceries had no choice but to sit beside foul-smelling shoes.
Back in school, they had felt embarrassed just being called on to answer a question in class. Now they had to go door to door introducing themselves to strangers, smiling through people's critical stares because a single word—survival—was relentlessly at their heels.
Guo Zhi had fallen ill. Gravely ill. He looked as though he might die at any moment. Yet because they had no money, they couldn't even take him to the hospital.
This was the adult world.
Their pride and reality had nearly torn them apart. If they hadn't already reached the point of utter despair, with no other solution left to think of, they never would have chosen to call their big brother for help.
After all, not long ago they had proudly thumped their chests in front of the very brother they trusted most, promising they would prove all those condescending "adults" wrong.
Listening to their tearful accounts, Qiao Nan became so agitated he wanted to smash something. He could only close his eyes and turn away, unable to bear looking at the miserable state of the room.
Mu Xiangxiang, however, remained astonishingly calm amid the cloud of despair. It was as if she had expected this from the very beginning. She simply stepped over the piles of clothes scattered around the room, walked to the bedside, and quietly examined Guo Zhi's complexion.
Then she spoke in an even voice. "Enough. Stop talking. Someone come carry him. We're going to the hospital first."
Guo Zhi was diagnosed with acute gastroenteritis. According to the doctor, he'd most likely eaten something contaminated. The moment Yan Zhiyang heard the diagnosis, he covered his face and crouched beside the hospital bed, sobbing uncontrollably. He was relieved that Guo Zhi didn't have a terminal illness. But he was also devastated that all of their lofty ambitions had ultimately been defeated by something as mundane as this.
There was simply too much bottled up in his crying. By the end, every other boy in the hospital room had started wiping away tears as well.
Qiao Nan crouched silently in the corner, lost in thought. Mu Xiangxiang stood at the foot of the bed, her emotions unreadable. Amid the chorus of sobs, she even curled her lips into the faintest smile. "Don't be sad. The withdrawal paperwork should be finished soon. Once Guo Zhi is discharged, you can all go back to work."
Even Qiao Nan turned to look at her in surprise. Ever since he'd met her, this was the first time he'd seen the usually gentle and composed Mu Xiangxiang display such a sharp, almost merciless side.
Yan Zhiyang felt as though someone had driven a knife straight into his heart. His sobs grew even more desperate. "Brother Nan—we want to go back to school! But... what are we supposed to do now?!"
They truly regretted it. More than they could ever express. Every single day, every hour, every minute after living independently had become a gaping mouth mocking their childishness. They now understood with painful clarity that, as they were, they simply couldn't survive in the adult world with any dignity.
Were they really going to spend the rest of their lives like this? Living from hand to mouth… Being too poor to even visit a hospital when they got sick...
The mere thought drove the young men to the edge of collapse. Yet Mu Xiangxiang's tone remained as light as ever. "How can that be? Have you forgotten what you promised back then? I worked so hard to persuade Principal Sun and your families. You think you can come and go whenever you please? What do you take them for?"
At her words, every one of them turned pale.
Right. To obtain the life they wanted, they had recklessly hurt everyone around them. If they put themselves in their parents' and teachers' shoes, they probably wouldn't forgive such ungrateful children either. That realization finally broke them.
One after another, they sank into squats where they stood, covering their faces as they silently tasted the bitter fruit of their own choices.
Just then, hurried footsteps erupted outside the ward.
Accompanied by a shrill cry— "Yangyang!" Yan Zhiyang looked up in shock. The ward door flew open, revealing a middle-aged woman who had clearly rushed all the way there.
His lips trembled. Looking at the face that had once nagged him so much he could hardly stand to see it, tears burst from his eyes. "Mom!!"
Then came the second parent. The third. The fourth… Soon, every family had arrived, each embracing their disheveled child and crying their hearts out.
When Guo Zhi saw his father enter, he instinctively shrank back. He stared at the pair of eyes that had always seemed so stern and intimidating whenever they looked at him. His lips quivered for a long while before he weakly managed to whisper, "...Dad."
The middle-aged man's body shook. His gaze fell upon his son's pale, illness-ravaged face. He walked to the bedside. Gritting his teeth, he slowly raised an arm. Guo Zhi reflexively squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the slap he was certain would come.
But after a long moment… All he felt was the rough touch of calloused fingers gently brushing across his cheek.
He opened his eyes. Father and son looked at one another.
His father's fingertips trembled slightly. "...You've gotten so thin."
**
The administrators from No. 12 High School soon arrived as well. By unspoken agreement, every adult in the room spared the children their dignity. Not a single person mentioned the words "dropping out."
Principal Sun simply said in his usual steady manner, "That's enough for today. Everyone report to school on time tomorrow. Except for Guo Zhi, who's still hospitalized—not one of you is allowed to be late."
Ordinarily, these rebellious teenagers would have scoffed at such instructions.
Today, however, each of them nodded with reddened eyes, looking like survivors of a great disaster.
Amid the parents' endless words of thanks, Mu Xiangxiang hurriedly excused herself. She took Qiao Nan downstairs to pay the hospital bill, feeling miserable inside.
Seeing how downcast she looked, Qiao Nan—already feeling guilty for countless reasons—couldn't help asking, "You okay? Everything's been resolved. There's no need to stay angry at those little brats."
What upset Mu Xiangxiang wasn't merely Yan Zhiyang and the others' rebellion. Seeing those parents, who had exhausted themselves worrying over their children and humbled themselves so completely, left a bitter taste in her mouth. So when she heard Qiao Nan's attempt at comforting her, irritation flared up instead. "Resolved? How is this resolved? With the way they've always treated studying, going back to school isn't suddenly going to make them improve."
The moment Qiao Nan heard the word studying, his guilt deepened. He hesitated. "...Then... what do you want to do?"
Mu Xiangxiang pursed her lips. She was thoroughly dissatisfied with Class 9’s lax attitude toward academics. "I'll suggest that Old Mo tighten up the class's studies. At the very least, there should be regular exams to track everyone's progress."
Exams...
The memory of the district mock exam at Yingcheng High suddenly flashed through Qiao Nan's mind. His lips twitched. "...Th-then what if someone doesn't do well?"
Mu Xiangxiang hadn't expected him to ask such a detailed question. She turned to him curiously.
For some reason, the feeling she'd had that afternoon—that Mu Xiangxiang could actually be terrifying—suddenly became even stronger. He silently cursed himself. Get a grip. She's just a sweet, long-haired girl. What's there to be scared of?
His body, however, tensed instinctively. "I mean... like... if someone's ranking drops in a mock exam..."
Mu Xiangxiang found Qiao Nan surprisingly thoughtful. He was already considering the reward-and-punishment system. She answered seriously. "That could happen. For example? How much of a drop?"
"...Say... from first place..."
"Hm?"
"...to last place?"
Mu Xiangxiang blinked. "...Huh?"
That much of a drop? How was that even possible? Would she have to hand in a completely blank paper?
The suggestion was so absurd that she assumed Qiao Nan was making fun of her. Slightly annoyed, she replied without thinking, "Then what's the point of me even being alive?"
The next instant, she froze. Instinctively, she jumped two steps aside.
Because behind her— Qiao Nan seemed to have tripped. With a loud thump, he had dropped straight to his knees on the floor.
****
Author's Note:
Qiao Nan: "She wants me dead..."
Qiao Nan: "...I'd better study hard."
Qiao Nan: "She wants me dead..."
Qiao Nan: "...I'd better study hard."
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